Have you ever been to a corporate event and found yourself stuck in the corner with a bunch of investment bankers? Did you ever have to go deep into Virginia, or do you have that uncle who voted Republican once the Civil Rights Act passed? Or maybe you’re with a group of white people somewhere, and they get really drunk, and then they start telling you how they really feel about the world. Are you working for a white shoe law firm?
Chances are, you’re likely in the presence of a conservative republican! Not to fear. You don’t need to run away or start sweating profusely. You’ll be just fine with these 5 conversation starters that you can use right now when you have nothing in common with a conservative republican.
1. When in doubt, just shake your head and say, “Hillary Clinton.” If you want to get them really going, just add, “The Clinton Foundation.” You don’t have to provide any supporting evidence. Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Foundation are some of the biggest, if not the biggest talking points after Obama for a conservative republican. They will wax poetic about how Clinton is the biggest criminal since Jack the Ripper, and will go so far as to say that The Clinton Foundation is not only smuggling children from Eastern Europe, but laundering money for their drug dealer friends. When the conversation starts to die down, say, “There should be an indictment by now if Loretta Lynch and Eric Holder didn’t. . .” Don’t worry. You don’t have to finish the thought. The conservative republican will spend the next several minutes finishing the thought for you, as he or she gives you a treatise on how our legal system is supposed to work.
2. “I’m not a big fan of Trump but I’ll tell you this much. I rather have him than Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders any day of the week.” There are many never Trumpers among the mostly National-Review-reading-conservative-republican crowd. Further, by saying that you are not a “big fan” of Trump, indicates that you think you’re better than those who wore those stupid Make America Great Again red hats for him, which is what all conservative republicans feel about those who wore those stupid Make America Great Again red hats for him. You’re making a connection, and you also smartly couched that sentiment with two people conservative republicans really despise, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.
3. “People kill people. Guns don’t kill people.” You can use this as a canned response for any, and I mean any conversation that invariably comes up about gun control. For instance, if someone says, “The Supreme Court’s Heller decision reaffirmed what we all knew about the Second Amendment.” Just nod your head and say, “That’s right. People kill people. Guns don’t kill people.” You’ll get a lot of, “That’s absolutely right,” and people will start talking about how the “musket” and “militia” examples used by progressive democrats are wrong. They will then go into a philosophical discussion about natural rights, and if things are really good, will contend “if we just could put God back into the schools.”
4. “Wasn’t Black Panther great?” Conservative republicans are very aware that they are usually portrayed by the media as racists. Whether that is fair or not is beside the point, other than that conservative republicans are very sensitive to charges of being racist. By pointing out that you a) went to go see Black Panther and b) that you thought it was great, is enough to make everyone feel comfortable that you’re definitely not some secret Trump supporter or otherwise a racist. In that regard, you will come to the implicit agreement that you both are enlightened conservative republicans with high degrees of education. This is obviously a good starting point for a conversation with a conservative republican.
5. “Do you think we’ll ever have a president as great as Calvin Coolidge?” Most people think that conservative republicans love Ronald Reagan. For the most part, that is true, but conservative republicans really, really love Calvin Coolidge. He was the only president born on the Fourth of July for Chrissakes. He was a champion of fiscal restraint and small government, two terms that conservative republicans actually had copyrighted. They won’t know a lot of facts about Coolidge other than that he is one of the forefathers of the Conservative movement. Of course, that will provide that person with a springboard in which to talk about how this country was so much better “back then” when there was no government “running our lives.”
Let me know how these conversation starters worked out for you! And if you have any additional conversation starters, please let me know in the comments!
Stay tuned for tomorrow, where I’ll give you 5 conversation starters you can use with a Trump supporter.
Mr. Cheese burger 9000 