Unless you’ve been living in a shoebox, the press has been in full force trying to predict who John McCain will choose as his running mate. It seems that the top “predictions” so far are (in no particular order): Tim Pawlenty, Charlie Crist, Mitt Romney, Mark Sanford, Tom Ridge, Mike Huckabee, Rob Portman and Condi Rice. I’m not going to spend this post here analyzing these top press “predictions.” Instead, I will make my own predictions on who the Top Five best running mates for John McCain should be.
The choice of running mate is viewed by many pundits as extremely important for McCain. As the New York Times remarked yesterday, “The choice of a running mate is always important, but it may be particularly so in Mr. McCain’s case, given that, at 71, he is seeking to become the oldest candidate ever elected to a first term as president.” I have taken this piece of advice from the New York Times to heart when I formulated my Top Five List. After hours of exhaustive research and an analysis of several key data indices, I arrived with this:
Mr. Cheeseburger 9000’s Top Five Running Mates for John McCain
1) Zakk Wylde: As you all know, Zakk Wylde is a bad ass guitarist, known for his virtuoso skills, such as speed picking and blazing up and down a pentatonic scale like there’s no tomorrow on his custom Les Pauls. He is a guitarist for the one and only Ozzy Osbourne and also the lead singer and guitarist for Black Label Society.
Mr. Wylde, depending on who you ask, is either 38 years old or 41 years old. Whatever the discrepancy, it makes no difference. Mr. Wylde will bring youthful energy to his campaign and have the ability to draw large crowds. He will vitalize the soccer moms and the NASCAR dads with his long hair, big beard, muscular arms and a “take no prisoners” attitude. This is just what McCain needs to solidify his base and to steal votes from the Democrats. And that whole thing about “alienating” conservatives. Well, McCain doesn’t have to worry. Who are the conservatives going to vote for, anyway? Hillary Clinton? Obama?
2) Cristiano Ronaldo: Cristiano Ronaldo is easily one of the top five soccer players in the world right now. He plays for the always entertaining Manchester United and the Portuguese National Team.
At only 23 years old, Mr. Ronaldo will bring massive youth and energy to McCain’s campaign. He is a certified star in one of the world’s most popular sports and that fact should not be overlooked. Further, it can’t be ignored that Mr. Ronaldo was not hit with the ugly stick, so he will likely galvanize the entire female population of the United States to vote for a McCain/Ronaldo ticket. Some of you may be asking, “Well, Mr. Ronaldo wasn’t born in the U.S., so he can’t run.” Well, I say, neither was John McCain, but that’s not stopping him, right?
3) Beyonce Knowles: Okay, if you don’t know who Beyonce Knowles is, then what do you really know? And that’s precisely the point and underlying message of why Beyonce should be McCain’s running mate. She’s young and talented. She has a good business sense. She’s connected to many important people in the R & B and Hip-Hop industry.
The press has spurned all this talk about having Condi Rice as the running mate, as Rice is “female,” “a minority,” and “has a high position in government.” But let’s take a closer look at Beyonce. Beyonce, like Condi, is “female” and “a minority,” and most importantly, unlike Condi, Beyonce “has a high position in the music industry.” She was also born in Texas, so Beyonce has a southern connection. While it is true that Beyonce was not the Secretary of State, Beyonce does not have the baggage that goes along with having that kind of position or responsibility. In the end, there really is no difference between Beyonce and Condi except that Ms. Knowles can galvanize the entire male population to vote for McCain and she can sing and design clothes well, too. These facts tip in the balance of Beyonce for Vice-President.
4) Tomoji Tanabe: At 112 years old, Mr. Tanabe, a former civil engineer, is the world’s oldest living person. He currently lives in Japan, because, well, he is Japanese. Mr. Tanabe will certainly be an asset for Mr. McCain for two main reasons. First, his very age will make McCain look like a teenager. A large percentage of Americans, who are so full of sugar and the Fox News Channel, will not even realize that McCain is so old when he stands next to Mr. Tanabe. Second, Mr. Tanabe will galvanize McCain’s mysterious and often times elusive “conservative base.” Mr. Tanabe neither drinks nor smokes and thus these “social values” will relate well to conservatives, particularly the ones that want the government to build a huge electrically-charged wall/fence separating the U-nited states from Mexico. After all, everyone knows that only Democrats drink and smoke. And, finally, even though Mr. Tanabe was not born in the United States, neither was John McCain.
5) Simba: For all of you who don’t know, Simba is the King of the Pride Lands. Two full-length documentaries of his rise from cub to King Lion were captured in the critically acclaimed “The Lion King” and “The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride.” Certainly, Simba’s legendary status can only help McCain’s bid for the President. Simba has strength. Simba has virility. Simba is a leader. All these are qualities that McCain must associate himself with. He can do that easily with Simba by his side. Moreover, everyone, from liberals to conservatives, would be comfortable with Simba running the U.S., since he did an extremely good job with the Pride Lands. And, he’s a Lion, which everyone knows has a wide support base.