Have you ever been to a dinner party at a neighbor’s house and the host ends up putting you on the side of the table with all the progressive Democrats?
Have you been at a barbeque or some other social event where there are progressive Democrats, who apart from maybe being human, don’t seem to have anything in common with you?
Do you find it hard to strike up a conversation in these kinds of situations? Are you not sure what to say or how to say it?
Fear no more, my loyal readers.
Here are 5 conversation starters you can use immediately when you meet a progressive democrat out in the wild. You’ll be able to fit right in, and you won’t face any fear of being shamed somehow on Twitter for not clearly understanding or even knowing the pressing issues of our time.
1. After asking a progressive democrat how they’re doing, respond first by shaking your head slowly, and then say, “I can’t believe Trump is still in office. It’s just crazy. I wish I could explain it to some of my friends in France.” Bashing Trump is a favorite discussion point for progressive democrats. You don’t even have to bring up what exactly you take issue with about Trump’s conduct. The fact that you declare your general disbelief in the Trump presidency, and that you have friends in France, is enough not only to give you 100 percent legitimacy in their eyes but provides that progressive democrat with a springboard to launch into a multi-count indictment listing all of Trump’s failures. Just nod your head and every so often say, “I didn’t realize it was that bad” or “I can only imagine what Rachel Maddow had to say about that.”
2. “The Second Amendment. Jeez. Do we really need that anymore?” Gun control has always been a hot topic for progressives. But instead of just asking out of the blue, “What are your thoughts on gun control?”, which seems like the kind of question your high school teacher would ask, you want to bring up the constitutional angle, confirming that you are enlightened enough to realize that the Second Amendment is outdated. Nod aggressively when the progressive democrat gives you a history lesson about the meaning of the second amendment, particularly when he or she brings up the “musket” and “militia” points. You can extend the conversation further when the progressive democrat invariably lists the memberships to gun control organizations and/or listservs he or she belongs to. Just ask, “What does ________ organization do, and how can I get involved?”
3. “Did you hear that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are going to be co-teaching a free online seminar together on economics and equity?” When the progressive democrat asks you whether that’s a joke or not, laugh a little, which shows you understand that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have differing viewpoints. But then go on and tell them you have a close friend at MSNBC, a “senior” editor in fact, who says the seminar is in the works. You citing MSNBC gives your story instant credibility, and for all sakes and purposes, your story has now become true. The progressive democrat will tell you how “interesting” it is that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are teaching a class together, then spend several minutes justifying why he or she either voted for Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Jill Stein, or someone else maybe you never heard of. The conversation will then swing back around toward bashing Trump and what a horrible world we live in.
4. “The battery on my Prius is on the fritz.” 84.6 percent of progressive democrats own a Prius, and nothing strikes more fear into their hearts than a dead Prius battery. Progressive Democrats love their Priuses and, more particularly, what a Prius represents. For instance, a progressive democrat will not take their Prius to the local Jiffy Lube, because cheap places like that don’t know how to take care of a Prius’s special and unique electronics. A Prius battery is not like the battery you can get at Sears. It’s a very, very special battery that is ecologically mined from the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean by fair trade workers. That’s why the battery is worth 90 percent of the car’s value, and why it’s so expensive to replace. Alerting a progressive democrat that your Prius battery is in danger will garner you a lot of sympathies. Further, as to the small percentage of progressive democrats you encounter that don’t own a Prius, do not worry, the conversation starter still works. You see, that remaining 15-16 percent of progressive Democrats who don’t own a Prius actually ride bikes or skateboards only. That’s a good segue for them to explain to you why these modes of transportation are not only superior but reduce our dependence on fossil fuels.
5. “In the age of Trump, I’m trying to get another yard sign that really tells people how I feel about (choose one: immigration, racism, women’s rights, science, etc.), but I want to make sure the message is on point and produced on recyclable materials by workers being paid a living wage. Do you have any ideas?” This is a softball, open-ended question for a progressive democrat. It’s the kind of question that a progressive democrat dreams of getting, one where they are not only being asked for their expertise, but also to showcase how much knowledge they have that can fit into a line. You don’t have to do anything after this except to nod every so often as the progressive democrat gives you dozens, if not hundreds, of deep quotes that vaguely sound like memes you saw on Facebook.
So there you have it. Never get stuck in silence again when you meet a progressive democrat and have nothing in common!
Do let me know in the comments how these conversation starters worked out for you. And, of course, if you have any other conversation starters you’d like to share, please do so in the comments!
Tomorrow, I’ll share 5 conversation starters you can use when you meet a conservative republican and have nothing in common. Stay tuned!